The year has had an emotional beginning....but not for the reasons one would expect. Instead of ringing in the New Year with my baby in my arms, I woke up on new year's day with tears of frustration and disappointment. I'm not blogging today to "vent", but in hopes of refocusing. I'm tired of being frustrated, angry, disappointed, and dejected about still being pregnant. Last night, as Daniel and I were driving home from a visit to his Grandma's, I decided that if I don't seek contentment and peace, I am heading for even more disappointment. I have to accept the fact that I have NO control over my baby's arrival, and no control over the fact that so much family has come to see us without getting a chance to see the baby. This has been the hardest reality for me...knowing our closest relatives and loved ones can't just "hop over" and see the baby whenever it's convenient. Instead, much of our family had made arrangements to be around when we "thought" I'd be due, only to have to head home in disappointment since the baby is still not here. I know it's "okay" and I shouldn't feel bad, but I naturally do. I want to share this joyous time with as much family as possible, and each day that she doesn't come, that dream fades more and more.
Back to the point of this blog....contentment. I realized last night that throughout my adolescent and adult life, I have struggled with being content. I've always held the carrot of the future out in front of me to get me through the current situation i was in. I think about what "could be", to escape from the reality of what "is." Even when there is so much good in my life, I somehow manage to always think about how it could be even better. This is sinful and selfish of me, and it really has to be addressed.
My wonderful big sister, Carrie, had a chance to visit me briefly this past week (which was amazing!) and she said something to me that really struck me....As she knows I have struggled with accepting the fact that I live so far away from family, she reminded me that Santa Rosa will be the only "home" Maggie will know, and I will have to do my best to make it MY home too, for her sake. No more fantasizing about life in Portland, and what it would be like to live closer to family.... because now Daniel and I have a family, and we need to make the most of our life here in California. I make very few resolutions for 2009, because I think this is going to be the greatest challenge of the year; a challenge that will take ALL of my focuse, energy, and strength.
By God's grace, I awoke this morning (early even) with no tears, but with a sense of serenity and peace; two things I have not felt in awhile. The sound of rain and the soft breathing of my husband next to me was so comforting. Immediately, I started thinking about all the things I want to do today, and realized I won't be able to do any of them for awhile after baby comes. This realization made me thankful for the day, and not to think of it as "just another day that I have failed to have my baby."
So, for today, I am still pregnant.....and that's okay. I hope to spend the day rediscovering my non-maternity clothes, sewing napkins, watching movies (maybe even GOING to a movie), reading, doing some last-minute shopping, etc. As Napoleon Dynamite says so eloquently, I think today I'll do "WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE DOING......GOSH!!!"
And I'll end with that.... HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU!
5 weeks ago