Friday, January 2, 2009

Contentment in 2009

The year has had an emotional beginning....but not for the reasons one would expect. Instead of ringing in the New Year with my baby in my arms, I woke up on new year's day with tears of frustration and disappointment. I'm not blogging today to "vent", but in hopes of refocusing. I'm tired of being frustrated, angry, disappointed, and dejected about still being pregnant. Last night, as Daniel and I were driving home from a visit to his Grandma's, I decided that if I don't seek contentment and peace, I am heading for even more disappointment. I have to accept the fact that I have NO control over my baby's arrival, and no control over the fact that so much family has come to see us without getting a chance to see the baby. This has been the hardest reality for me...knowing our closest relatives and loved ones can't just "hop over" and see the baby whenever it's convenient. Instead, much of our family had made arrangements to be around when we "thought" I'd be due, only to have to head home in disappointment since the baby is still not here. I know it's "okay" and I shouldn't feel bad, but I naturally do. I want to share this joyous time with as much family as possible, and each day that she doesn't come, that dream fades more and more.

Back to the point of this blog....contentment. I realized last night that throughout my adolescent and adult life, I have struggled with being content. I've always held the carrot of the future out in front of me to get me through the current situation i was in. I think about what "could be", to escape from the reality of what "is." Even when there is so much good in my life, I somehow manage to always think about how it could be even better. This is sinful and selfish of me, and it really has to be addressed.

My wonderful big sister, Carrie, had a chance to visit me briefly this past week (which was amazing!) and she said something to me that really struck me....As she knows I have struggled with accepting the fact that I live so far away from family, she reminded me that Santa Rosa will be the only "home" Maggie will know, and I will have to do my best to make it MY home too, for her sake. No more fantasizing about life in Portland, and what it would be like to live closer to family.... because now Daniel and I have a family, and we need to make the most of our life here in California. I make very few resolutions for 2009, because I think this is going to be the greatest challenge of the year; a challenge that will take ALL of my focuse, energy, and strength.

By God's grace, I awoke this morning (early even) with no tears, but with a sense of serenity and peace; two things I have not felt in awhile. The sound of rain and the soft breathing of my husband next to me was so comforting. Immediately, I started thinking about all the things I want to do today, and realized I won't be able to do any of them for awhile after baby comes. This realization made me thankful for the day, and not to think of it as "just another day that I have failed to have my baby."

So, for today, I am still pregnant.....and that's okay. I hope to spend the day rediscovering my non-maternity clothes, sewing napkins, watching movies (maybe even GOING to a movie), reading, doing some last-minute shopping, etc. As Napoleon Dynamite says so eloquently, I think today I'll do "WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE DOING......GOSH!!!"

And I'll end with that.... HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU!


Christina said...

I know it must be hard for you. But it sounds like you have the right attitude for today, this day. Maybe write up a list of fun things you and Daniel can do before the baby comes?!?! a plan for the next week and then you can be so disappointed that you have to cancel your plans because baby arrives:) Keep us posted! We love you!

Susan said...

thinking of what "is" instead of what "if" is a big step to maturity. I know how hard it is to wait. What does your doctor say??
Keep the faith Christy:)

Helenrr said...

Hello Christy, your post is so eloquent and thoughtful. I think we have all had this struggle at times, either about children arriving in their own good time (Mike was this one!) or other issues in our own lives. Contentment with God's place with us does not mean giving up or to stop trying, it means that 'this' is the place he wants us to be...and I still have moments of non-acceptance. However, finding the proverbial silver lining has become a technique for me that has helped tremendously.
We can't wait either...and will have to find some time to drive up! (only 3 hours...)
God bless
much love,
Aunt Helen and crew

Mimi said...

Carrie is so wise, I love what she said.

And, remember a pregnancy lasts between 37-42 weeks, you are still statistically very fine. And, my oldest was 20 days late, if that helps.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Christy

How beautiful to read your honest words and reflections. What a blessing to come to the commitment of facing "what is"- now just hours/ days before Maggie comes. That is a major key to contentment- and a beautiful gift to give Maggie- as her loving (contented) mommy. I know it will take focus- and constant re-orienting thoughts and feelings, but I believe it is essential for your desired peace and contentment.
Dad and I are SO EXCITED to be with you all on Monday.

My love and fervent prayers

Chelsy said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Your post is a reminder for all of us. It's also a good thing to keep in mind for after you have the baby, too - I remember when Damian was a baby, I was always wishing for the next stage... "It will be really nice when he can sit up. It will be really nice when he starts crawling/walking/talking/(fill in the blank)." With Caitlin I feel much more relaxed and try to enjoy each stage because babies move through them so quickly. But I still find myself being discontent about other things (ie, a disorganized house, dishes, laundry) instead of having fun with the kids when they want to play with me. It's hard to keep it all in balance. Take care, Christy.

Rachel said...

Hi, I just found your blog this week. You have my sympathies in the baby-waiting game. I just had my first baby and she was two weeks late. My mom kept reminding me in the midst of my frustration that no matter what, I was definetly one day closer to baby every morning. If it is any comfort, about 2 seconds after you hold your baby for the first time, you really can't even remember the frustration and discontentment. It just seems like the perfect time.

Christy Sumerfield said...

Thanks for all the encouraging comments! I will draw strength from them as I continue to wait for baby to come! I will definitely keep everyone updated when there is actual news :)

Carrie T said...

Hi Sis!

What a wonderful, insightful post! Glory to God! He is so faithful to come to us in our darkest hours. You know I know exactly what you're going through now, having had K. 13 days after they said she was due.

I'm so glad you got some inspiration to do some things you won't be able to do later, and I'm so glad mom and dad will be there tomorrow! I think no matter what, you will have a great time with them.

I love you so much and am so thankful and blessed to have had the chance to come visit. I'm still thinking about my time there!!!

I will be back soon. I love you sister!


Rachel said...

What a wonderful post, Christy! I know how hard it is to live in the present - I always think that somewhere in the future my life is going to be perfect. Of course, it won't be! It takes great strength and courage to take each day as it comes. God's blessings on you, Daniel and your baby.

Iconography Girl said...

You should SOOOOOOOOOO go to a movie. You will remember it for a long time! Great attitude today!

The frustration and lack of control is what I felt like when I first felt a baby moving: I have no control. This baby is going to kick me when they want to, be born when they want, and lead their life the way they want.

God bless you for discerning the need for contentment and finding it!


Marfa said...

I heard you had a big baby girl...from your sister's blog! Congratulations!!! I hope you're feeling well...
How long have you lived in Santa Rosa? I think it takes about 2 years to start making new roots. I'll tell you what, though...have a baby, taking her to the grocery store, more people will stop and chat with you and "coo" over the baby, at the parks, you'll make friends with other moms...things will get better and you'll be content, I'm sure!