Tomorrow my baby girl will be 3 months old! I can't believe it....it seems like she's been with us for so much longer than that, yet it also seems like she was born just yesterday! Last time I blogged, I was sick with a fever that lasted for over a week. It was such a trying time for me...being sick. Selfishly, I just wanted to escape...to go somewhere where I could just take care of myself, and not have to think about anyone else's needs. It overwhelmed me to realize that it will be a very long time (if ever) that I won't have other people to put before myself. I felt guilty for wanting to "escape", but I know I'm not the first mom to have those kinds of feelings. Being sick also made me feel so incapable as a mother, not being able to take care of Maggie by myself. I don't know why it threw me off so much, but I lost any confidence I had and just wanted to give up at being a mom, because I thought I couldn't handle it.
I realize this is only the beginning of my journey as a parent, and there will be thousands of trials to come. But, the most important thing I've learned through this is that I can't do all that a mom needs to do without the grace and help of God. The more I try to do it alone, the worse I feel about myself as a mom. I need God on those mornings that I'm not ready to start the day, but Maggie is. I need God when I don't think I have any more energy to walk Maggie around the house to get her to fall asleep for her nap. I need God to remind that in serving Maggie and Daniel, I am serving Christ. I need God to help me die to my wants and desires, to whittle away at the selfishness in the core of my heart. I need God.....that is the point.
I've lived most of my life trying to do everything by my own strength and my own might, and I succeeded at times and definitely failed at times. I've often quit when things got too hard, but there's no quitting motherhood. God is showing me that this old way of living is not going to work anymore. I have to "put off the old ways" and put on the ways of Christ. Without Christ, I don't know how I can meet the demands of motherhood. I'm not one who is faithful about reading Scripture or quieting myself before the Lord in prayer...but I'm doing my best to invite God into my day, and asking Him to guide me and help me. This is just the beginning...for our relationship with God is limitless. Marriage and family life can truly be a path to salvation, if we serve our family as unto Christ, and die to ourselves. Lord have mercy on me and help me as I struggle on this new path of motherhood. May it be blessed, fruitful, and salvific!