I've only been doing this for 3 months!

Tomorrow my baby girl will be 3 months old! I can't believe it....it seems like she's been with us for so much longer than that, yet it also seems like she was born just yesterday! Last time I blogged, I was sick with a fever that lasted for over a week. It was such a trying time for me...being sick. Selfishly, I just wanted to escape...to go somewhere where I could just take care of myself, and not have to think about anyone else's needs. It overwhelmed me to realize that it will be a very long time (if ever) that I won't have other people to put before myself. I felt guilty for wanting to "escape", but I know I'm not the first mom to have those kinds of feelings. Being sick also made me feel so incapable as a mother, not being able to take care of Maggie by myself. I don't know why it threw me off so much, but I lost any confidence I had and just wanted to give up at being a mom, because I thought I couldn't handle it.

I realize this is only the beginning of my journey as a parent, and there will be thousands of trials to come. But, the most important thing I've learned through this is that I can't do all that a mom needs to do without the grace and help of God. The more I try to do it alone, the worse I feel about myself as a mom. I need God on those mornings that I'm not ready to start the day, but Maggie is. I need God when I don't think I have any more energy to walk Maggie around the house to get her to fall asleep for her nap. I need God to remind that in serving Maggie and Daniel, I am serving Christ. I need God to help me die to my wants and desires, to whittle away at the selfishness in the core of my heart. I need God.....that is the point.

I've lived most of my life trying to do everything by my own strength and my own might, and I succeeded at times and definitely failed at times. I've often quit when things got too hard, but there's no quitting motherhood. God is showing me that this old way of living is not going to work anymore. I have to "put off the old ways" and put on the ways of Christ. Without Christ, I don't know how I can meet the demands of motherhood. I'm not one who is faithful about reading Scripture or quieting myself before the Lord in prayer...but I'm doing my best to invite God into my day, and asking Him to guide me and help me. This is just the beginning...for our relationship with God is limitless. Marriage and family life can truly be a path to salvation, if we serve our family as unto Christ, and die to ourselves. Lord have mercy on me and help me as I struggle on this new path of motherhood. May it be blessed, fruitful, and salvific!

Being sick= Time to blog

Unfortunately, I haven't blogged in almost two months. I rarely have time to sit down and put some thoughts together, and quite frankly, I don't have much to say that matters :) The family is doing well, though Maggie has been sick with a cold for a few days, and as of today, I am sick as well. I have a fever and flu-like symptoms, but I'm hoping it's not the flu, and that it will go away soon.

It's heartbreaking to see your little one suffer through an illness. I don't know how parents of chronically ill children do it! It must take such strength! Now that I am sick, I don't know what will happen tomorrow. The mom is never supposed to get sick....she is the one who has to take care of everyone else, right? I don't want Daniel to have to miss work, but with no family around, I don't know how I can take care of Maggie when I'm feeling weak and having chills. We'll see how it progresses.

Motherhood is going well, though. Maggie and I spend lots of time with our good friends Emily and her daughter Hazel. We get together almost every day to go on walks in the CA sunshine! This definitely helps the mood and is slowly working off those pregnancy pounds. Their friendship has been such a blessing...I don't know what we'd do without it. I would be pretty lonely, that's for sure! Sharing motherhood with a good friend is priceless! I wish I could be in Portland, as so many beloved friends are having babies, but this is where God has us, and I have to make the most of it. I think God knew we needed a friend like Emily to get us through some of the challenges of living away from family and friends, and of new parenthood.

Maggie is getting so big! She is holding her head up more and more, smiling lots, and loves to read books with me. I can tell she's a thinker, like her papa. She brings such joy to our lives!

Anyway...I'd love to hear some advice from you moms out there about what you do when you're sick!

Catching my breath

As my sweet baby snores in the sling, I thought I'd take a moment to write a post (as long as she lets me :) It's been 2 weeks now since M. came into the world and joined our family. I know babies grow exponentially in the first two years, even the first 3 months, and I have to say, there is a lot of growth taking place for Daniel and I as well. The first week, we were blessed to have Daniel's mom here to help out with everything around the house, and to offer an extra pair of loving arms for M. to snuggle into. I was exhausted from almost 3 consecutive nights in the hospital without sleep, so it took a good part of the first week to 'catch up', as much as I could with a newborn, that is. Daniel went back to work this past week, and I was on my own. The first day was rough. M. never wanted to be put down, I was starving, and any time she cried, I felt like a failure. I know this is not the appropriate response to a baby's cries, but I think a touch of the "baby blues" was affecting me, and I took it personally. I honestly started to wonder if I was "cut out" for this whole mother role. I know I've never wanted anything else than to be a wife and mother, but the reality of motherhood's demands with a newborn hit me hard.

A baby turns your life upside-down. Day and night have no meaning anymore, they all run together. Your time is no longer your own, it must be focused on the needs of the child, and let's not forget there is a marriage to nurture as well. Daniel has been an AMAZING father and I couldn't imagine a better partner to be a parent with. He holds her whenever he is home (unless she needs to be fed), which is a nice break for me and my back.

Selfishness has no room to thrive when you're a mom. Sure, you can have selfish thoughts, but the freedom to indulge them is just not there like it used to be. I'm realizing more and more just how selfish I am, and how easily I want to give up when things are hard. Well, God has given me the biggest (and greatest) challenge of my life, one that can NEVER be "quit". There is so much to learn, and so much I know God will teach me through motherhood. It truly is a path to holiness, if one seeks God first in everything (which I am FAR from doing, Lord help me!).

I'm thankful to say that I'm starting to understand M's needs more, which makes things a bit easier. I know she only likes the sling or the Moby wrap when she is ready to nap. She basically only cries when she is really tired, other than her 'fussy hour" around bedtime. She takes FOREVER to nurse, and I just have to accept this fact and enjoy a book or a movie during feedings :) She hates the swing, but we'll keep trying... If I want to shower, I just have to accept the fact that she will cry while I do so. Housework will have to wait til dad gets home, and then I run around like crazy getting stuff done (it's actually been more productive for me to have a newborn, because I see "free time" as time to work around the house).

All in all, we're figuring each other out. SHe is a wonderful baby, and I love her with all my heart. I'm trying to cherish this early stage, despite the challenges.

ok--baby is now wailing..... time to feed!

More to come

Just wanted to write a quick post to say (if you haven't heard), that our baby girl was born on January 10th. Her name is Magdalena, and she weighed 8 lbs. 15.5 oz, and was 22 inches long. We are all doing well, thank God, and have been enjoying the help and company of Daniel's mom for this whole week. I plan on posting our "birth story" soon, but have not had a chance to sit down and put my thoughts together. I am pretty sleep-deprived at this point, and have not gotten into the habit of napping during the day like I know I should be. I would love to hear pointers from you moms out there on ways you coped with the lack of sleep. Also, if any of you had babies that didn't like sleeping without being held, how did you deal with that?

Being a mom is wonderful, though I know it will be the greatest challenge and blessing of my life. At this point, I'm trying to fight the temptation to get discouraged, compare myself to others, and wondering if I'm doing things the "wrong way" all the time. Oh well, we live and learn one day at a time.

That's all for now....I will write more about the baby soon, I promise :) THanks so much for all of your prayers and encouragement for our family!

Contentment in 2009

The year has had an emotional beginning....but not for the reasons one would expect. Instead of ringing in the New Year with my baby in my arms, I woke up on new year's day with tears of frustration and disappointment. I'm not blogging today to "vent", but in hopes of refocusing. I'm tired of being frustrated, angry, disappointed, and dejected about still being pregnant. Last night, as Daniel and I were driving home from a visit to his Grandma's, I decided that if I don't seek contentment and peace, I am heading for even more disappointment. I have to accept the fact that I have NO control over my baby's arrival, and no control over the fact that so much family has come to see us without getting a chance to see the baby. This has been the hardest reality for me...knowing our closest relatives and loved ones can't just "hop over" and see the baby whenever it's convenient. Instead, much of our family had made arrangements to be around when we "thought" I'd be due, only to have to head home in disappointment since the baby is still not here. I know it's "okay" and I shouldn't feel bad, but I naturally do. I want to share this joyous time with as much family as possible, and each day that she doesn't come, that dream fades more and more.

Back to the point of this blog....contentment. I realized last night that throughout my adolescent and adult life, I have struggled with being content. I've always held the carrot of the future out in front of me to get me through the current situation i was in. I think about what "could be", to escape from the reality of what "is." Even when there is so much good in my life, I somehow manage to always think about how it could be even better. This is sinful and selfish of me, and it really has to be addressed.

My wonderful big sister, Carrie, had a chance to visit me briefly this past week (which was amazing!) and she said something to me that really struck me....As she knows I have struggled with accepting the fact that I live so far away from family, she reminded me that Santa Rosa will be the only "home" Maggie will know, and I will have to do my best to make it MY home too, for her sake. No more fantasizing about life in Portland, and what it would be like to live closer to family.... because now Daniel and I have a family, and we need to make the most of our life here in California. I make very few resolutions for 2009, because I think this is going to be the greatest challenge of the year; a challenge that will take ALL of my focuse, energy, and strength.

By God's grace, I awoke this morning (early even) with no tears, but with a sense of serenity and peace; two things I have not felt in awhile. The sound of rain and the soft breathing of my husband next to me was so comforting. Immediately, I started thinking about all the things I want to do today, and realized I won't be able to do any of them for awhile after baby comes. This realization made me thankful for the day, and not to think of it as "just another day that I have failed to have my baby."

So, for today, I am still pregnant.....and that's okay. I hope to spend the day rediscovering my non-maternity clothes, sewing napkins, watching movies (maybe even GOING to a movie), reading, doing some last-minute shopping, etc. As Napoleon Dynamite says so eloquently, I think today I'll do "WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE DOING......GOSH!!!"

And I'll end with that.... HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU!

Postpartum Needs

I just returned from visiting my friend Emily for the first time since she gave birth to their beautiful baby girl. I couldn't believe how gorgeous this little newborn was, they usually aren't so cute when they're "fresh from the oven." Anyway, my eyes were opened to the fact that I need to be preparing some things for my own postpartum needs, whereas right now I am only focusing on what the baby will need. So, once again, I plea for the advice of you seasoned mothers. What items did you find essential for the first few weeks after giving birth? Please don't be embarassed to mention things like hemmorhoid cream or pads, we all know postpartum life isn't glamorous. I just want to make sure I don't overlook anything, and I'm sure Daniel will appreciate me buying most of these things ahead of time, instead of him having to run out to the store in a hurry to find me the right feminine products :)

I look forward to hearing your wonderful advice, as always! I have to say, I've REALLY benefitted from all the comments you have left so far, and I am very thankful for each of them.

Thanks in advance!

Weight Gain Woes

I just returned from my 36+ week appointment, and am somewhat distraught about the number that showed up when I stepped on the scale. I know everyone says, "The weight will come off, don't worry", but that's not the part I am worried about. What I want to know is, why am I gaining so much weight and still receiving comments from people that I am "so small" for being due in a few weeks. I dont' mean to sound vain AT ALL, but where is this 40++ pounds I've apparently gained? Do I have a ginormous baby that is highly skilled at at remaining as compact as possible in my womb so as not to poke out too much?

I loved the doctor's friendly "reminder" that everything I gain from here on out goes directly to the baby.....what is that supposed to mean? Do I put myself and, therefore, my baby on a diet so she won't be too big to push out? It's a rhetorical question, i know dieting during pregnancy is bad. It's just that I don't feel like I overeat, nor do I gorge on junk.

Any of you feel like sharing your weight gain stories from your pregnancies? Should I just let it go, and not worry about the weight? All I know is, I'm getting close to a number I NEVER want to see on a scale, and I don't really know why.

In other baby news, we had an ultrasound to make sure baby is in a head down position, and she is. We asked the Doc to check the gender again, just to be sure, and wouldn't you know it....baby decided to be modest once again (this happened in our last ultrasound). Baby curled up in a tight ball, with her legs crossed....what a modest little thing! So....we're still pretty sure it's a girl, but there is always a chance of being surprised. Whatever gender baby is, we are getting more and more excited to meet our precious child!