Sleep Saga

Every new parent hopes for the baby who will "sleep through the night" within a few weeks of birth, and brags about it proudly (as if they had any control over it anyway) when they do. I was one of those hopeful parents, but alas, my dear baby gives me very little to "brag" about in the sleep department. It always baffles me that the #1 question I get in public is, "Does she sleep through the night yet?" or " How's she sleeping?" I've decided to just lie...because those who ask don't have the time to hear the saga of Maggie's short sleep history.

At this point, when it comes to sleep, my baby...

----sleeps well in arms, a sling, sometimes a swing, sometimes the car, and always well with a nipple (my nipple) in her mouth

----REFUSES to be "pacified" with a paci, even though she LOVES to suck

----Cry it out? oh....she will......for hours if you let her...but ofcourse, we have only learned this via long car trips, we cave in after 2 minutes whenever she cries at home. I'm sick and tired of hearing the cry it out method as the only advice for those of us with finicky sleepers. It's NOT an option for me at this point.

---Maggie naps well....as long as I am pushing her in a stroller (which makes for LONG walks for me), wearing her in the sling, and moving.... I can't complain, at least she naps...

---we bought a "Cocoon Sleeper" (like the Amby bed) a few weeks ago. It worked well for a couple weeks, but now she wakes up the INSTANT we put her in it, and WAILS if we put her in it awake. Some say there is a 4-month-old sleep regression that happens due to brain development, and that could be part of the change in her sleeping.

----as of late, Maggie sleeps CONNECTED to me at night, which means she doesn't go to bed until I do.....uuuuggh!



At this point, I'm starting to look at some of the sleep books out there, but there are thousands, and they all recommend something different, but usually agree on the CRY it OUT method...which I don't want to do. The Baby Whisperer makes me feel like a horrible parent, so I don't read her much these days. I'm kind of at the point where I'll do ANYTHING that works, which means she is nursing half the night. UUGH!

Anyone have any NON-cry it out advice? I realize part of it is personality..so if your kids have always been heavy sleepers who could crash anywhere, anytime....don't give me any advice :) I want to hear from those of you who had finicky sleepers. How did things turn out for you? I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I am SOO confused about the different theories out there. Will doing "whatever works" right now screw her up for life? I don' t think it will, but some books make me feel like that. Was I supposed to be doing something different from day one? Did I miss the sleep training train? AAGH.

Well, we'll keep on keepin on. At least I'm getting enough rest...it's just not the most comfortable to sleep with a babe in the crook of my arms all night. We'll keep trying to put her in her bed, but for now, she's not having it. I just feel so down sometimes when EVERY other mom tells me how their baby sleeps 7-8 hours in a row, then goes back to sleep for 4 more. I know there are other moms out there with babies like mine....it just feels like I am the only one sometimes. It's hard because I do EVERYTHING for Maggie all day to keep her happy, and i need a break at night. It is physically demanding to have walk for 2 hours to give her a good nap, and then wear her in the sling for the second nap of the day. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy walking, and it's great for losing baby weight, but there are days when I don't have the energy for it. I long for the days when she peacefully sleeps in her crib, so I can get something done around the house!

Oh well...enought complaining. I really just want some encouragement and suggestions from ANYONE out there who has been through this with a baby like Mags.

Thanks!

Maggie Update

I can't believe Maggie is already 4 months old, going on 5 months soon! It seems as if so much has happened in that short time. I thought I would post a bunch of pictures to let everyone know what Maggie has been up to lately! I thought it would be fun to write from Maggie's perspective.

Hi everyone! I am only 4 months old, but I already have LOTS of nicknames....


Aunt Carrie and cousin Kirsten call me "Mags-dalena"

Cousin Jon-Jon calls me "Maggie Magoo"

Cousin Vasi calls me "Magdalunee"... and she always says I'm "so sweet!" Her little sister Susy can't talk yet, but I think we will be best friends one day!

Grandpa and Marmee call me "Little Fiddle"

Mr. Tony and Ms. Emily call me "Maggie Moo". They are my best friend Hazel's mommy and daddy. I'll talk about her more later.

My mom warned me that her side of the family loves to give nicknames. I wonder how many I'll have when I am a whole year old!

I spend almost every day going on walks outside and playing with my best friend Hazel. She has a nickname too...it's Hazelbean. We are going to keep growing up together. Having her here in Santa Rosa makes being away from family a bit easier.

Last month, her mom and dad invited me and my mom to go to the Monterey aquarium with them. It was so much fun! I saw lots of fishies...like the ones daddy always watches movies about. Even though I cried the WHOLE 3-hour trip home, I hope we can go again soon....and that daddy can come next time! He'd love it there.

I've been on a plane 2 times! The second time, mommy and I went without daddy. I had a diaper blowout on the trip there and on the trip back.I don't think mommy wants to take me to Portland without daddy anymore :) In Portland, this last trip, I got to go to cousin Vasi's birthday, and I spent some very special time with Grandjo, my great-grandma. I don't know if I'll get to see her again.....it makes me sad. I think it cheered her up to see me. I'm her 35th great-grandchild. I also got to see Grandpa Harold and Grandma Jeanie again! I pulled on Grandpa's beard...it was fun! They could only visit for a little while, but I'm so glad they came to Portland to see me.

In March, Aunt Carrie, Kirsten, Jonathan, and my Grandma Jeanie came to visit us!!! My mom was reak sick while they were here, so Aunt Carrie took care of mommy and me while she was here! It was so much fun to have my cousins here! We went to the park every day so mommy could rest at home. I LOVED seeing Grandma Jeanie...she always plays with me and teaches me new things!

COME BACK TO VISIT SOON!

For mommy's 1st Mother's Day, daddy and I got up early and walked to the shopping center to get her pastries, coffee, flowers, and See's chocolates. She was REALLY happy....but maybe her favorite part of it all was sleeping in a little. We did all this on Saturday. We went to Berkeley for lunch that day, and this is my mom's new favorite picture of me from when we were there! I love to wear my pink hat!

On Sunday, Mother's Day, we went spent the day in Redwood Valley, at Grandma June's house. Daddy made everyone dinner. Uncle Wayne was there too! He liked playing with me! I love visiting great-grandma June....she is so kind and loving! I'm named after her too!

And last of all, in my news for you...I had my first taste of food last week! Mommy let me suck on a watermelon rind because my gums were hurting, and it was really hot outside. I LOVED IT!!!! I can't wait to have it again someday

.

WEll, that's all for now! Thanks for checking in with us! We are excited about the summer and lots of adventures to go on as a family! Love to all our friends and family!!

I've only been doing this for 3 months!

Tomorrow my baby girl will be 3 months old! I can't believe it....it seems like she's been with us for so much longer than that, yet it also seems like she was born just yesterday! Last time I blogged, I was sick with a fever that lasted for over a week. It was such a trying time for me...being sick. Selfishly, I just wanted to escape...to go somewhere where I could just take care of myself, and not have to think about anyone else's needs. It overwhelmed me to realize that it will be a very long time (if ever) that I won't have other people to put before myself. I felt guilty for wanting to "escape", but I know I'm not the first mom to have those kinds of feelings. Being sick also made me feel so incapable as a mother, not being able to take care of Maggie by myself. I don't know why it threw me off so much, but I lost any confidence I had and just wanted to give up at being a mom, because I thought I couldn't handle it.

I realize this is only the beginning of my journey as a parent, and there will be thousands of trials to come. But, the most important thing I've learned through this is that I can't do all that a mom needs to do without the grace and help of God. The more I try to do it alone, the worse I feel about myself as a mom. I need God on those mornings that I'm not ready to start the day, but Maggie is. I need God when I don't think I have any more energy to walk Maggie around the house to get her to fall asleep for her nap. I need God to remind that in serving Maggie and Daniel, I am serving Christ. I need God to help me die to my wants and desires, to whittle away at the selfishness in the core of my heart. I need God.....that is the point.

I've lived most of my life trying to do everything by my own strength and my own might, and I succeeded at times and definitely failed at times. I've often quit when things got too hard, but there's no quitting motherhood. God is showing me that this old way of living is not going to work anymore. I have to "put off the old ways" and put on the ways of Christ. Without Christ, I don't know how I can meet the demands of motherhood. I'm not one who is faithful about reading Scripture or quieting myself before the Lord in prayer...but I'm doing my best to invite God into my day, and asking Him to guide me and help me. This is just the beginning...for our relationship with God is limitless. Marriage and family life can truly be a path to salvation, if we serve our family as unto Christ, and die to ourselves. Lord have mercy on me and help me as I struggle on this new path of motherhood. May it be blessed, fruitful, and salvific!

Being sick= Time to blog

Unfortunately, I haven't blogged in almost two months. I rarely have time to sit down and put some thoughts together, and quite frankly, I don't have much to say that matters :) The family is doing well, though Maggie has been sick with a cold for a few days, and as of today, I am sick as well. I have a fever and flu-like symptoms, but I'm hoping it's not the flu, and that it will go away soon.

It's heartbreaking to see your little one suffer through an illness. I don't know how parents of chronically ill children do it! It must take such strength! Now that I am sick, I don't know what will happen tomorrow. The mom is never supposed to get sick....she is the one who has to take care of everyone else, right? I don't want Daniel to have to miss work, but with no family around, I don't know how I can take care of Maggie when I'm feeling weak and having chills. We'll see how it progresses.

Motherhood is going well, though. Maggie and I spend lots of time with our good friends Emily and her daughter Hazel. We get together almost every day to go on walks in the CA sunshine! This definitely helps the mood and is slowly working off those pregnancy pounds. Their friendship has been such a blessing...I don't know what we'd do without it. I would be pretty lonely, that's for sure! Sharing motherhood with a good friend is priceless! I wish I could be in Portland, as so many beloved friends are having babies, but this is where God has us, and I have to make the most of it. I think God knew we needed a friend like Emily to get us through some of the challenges of living away from family and friends, and of new parenthood.

Maggie is getting so big! She is holding her head up more and more, smiling lots, and loves to read books with me. I can tell she's a thinker, like her papa. She brings such joy to our lives!

Anyway...I'd love to hear some advice from you moms out there about what you do when you're sick!

Catching my breath

As my sweet baby snores in the sling, I thought I'd take a moment to write a post (as long as she lets me :) It's been 2 weeks now since M. came into the world and joined our family. I know babies grow exponentially in the first two years, even the first 3 months, and I have to say, there is a lot of growth taking place for Daniel and I as well. The first week, we were blessed to have Daniel's mom here to help out with everything around the house, and to offer an extra pair of loving arms for M. to snuggle into. I was exhausted from almost 3 consecutive nights in the hospital without sleep, so it took a good part of the first week to 'catch up', as much as I could with a newborn, that is. Daniel went back to work this past week, and I was on my own. The first day was rough. M. never wanted to be put down, I was starving, and any time she cried, I felt like a failure. I know this is not the appropriate response to a baby's cries, but I think a touch of the "baby blues" was affecting me, and I took it personally. I honestly started to wonder if I was "cut out" for this whole mother role. I know I've never wanted anything else than to be a wife and mother, but the reality of motherhood's demands with a newborn hit me hard.

A baby turns your life upside-down. Day and night have no meaning anymore, they all run together. Your time is no longer your own, it must be focused on the needs of the child, and let's not forget there is a marriage to nurture as well. Daniel has been an AMAZING father and I couldn't imagine a better partner to be a parent with. He holds her whenever he is home (unless she needs to be fed), which is a nice break for me and my back.

Selfishness has no room to thrive when you're a mom. Sure, you can have selfish thoughts, but the freedom to indulge them is just not there like it used to be. I'm realizing more and more just how selfish I am, and how easily I want to give up when things are hard. Well, God has given me the biggest (and greatest) challenge of my life, one that can NEVER be "quit". There is so much to learn, and so much I know God will teach me through motherhood. It truly is a path to holiness, if one seeks God first in everything (which I am FAR from doing, Lord help me!).

I'm thankful to say that I'm starting to understand M's needs more, which makes things a bit easier. I know she only likes the sling or the Moby wrap when she is ready to nap. She basically only cries when she is really tired, other than her 'fussy hour" around bedtime. She takes FOREVER to nurse, and I just have to accept this fact and enjoy a book or a movie during feedings :) She hates the swing, but we'll keep trying... If I want to shower, I just have to accept the fact that she will cry while I do so. Housework will have to wait til dad gets home, and then I run around like crazy getting stuff done (it's actually been more productive for me to have a newborn, because I see "free time" as time to work around the house).

All in all, we're figuring each other out. SHe is a wonderful baby, and I love her with all my heart. I'm trying to cherish this early stage, despite the challenges.

ok--baby is now wailing..... time to feed!

More to come

Just wanted to write a quick post to say (if you haven't heard), that our baby girl was born on January 10th. Her name is Magdalena, and she weighed 8 lbs. 15.5 oz, and was 22 inches long. We are all doing well, thank God, and have been enjoying the help and company of Daniel's mom for this whole week. I plan on posting our "birth story" soon, but have not had a chance to sit down and put my thoughts together. I am pretty sleep-deprived at this point, and have not gotten into the habit of napping during the day like I know I should be. I would love to hear pointers from you moms out there on ways you coped with the lack of sleep. Also, if any of you had babies that didn't like sleeping without being held, how did you deal with that?

Being a mom is wonderful, though I know it will be the greatest challenge and blessing of my life. At this point, I'm trying to fight the temptation to get discouraged, compare myself to others, and wondering if I'm doing things the "wrong way" all the time. Oh well, we live and learn one day at a time.

That's all for now....I will write more about the baby soon, I promise :) THanks so much for all of your prayers and encouragement for our family!

Contentment in 2009

The year has had an emotional beginning....but not for the reasons one would expect. Instead of ringing in the New Year with my baby in my arms, I woke up on new year's day with tears of frustration and disappointment. I'm not blogging today to "vent", but in hopes of refocusing. I'm tired of being frustrated, angry, disappointed, and dejected about still being pregnant. Last night, as Daniel and I were driving home from a visit to his Grandma's, I decided that if I don't seek contentment and peace, I am heading for even more disappointment. I have to accept the fact that I have NO control over my baby's arrival, and no control over the fact that so much family has come to see us without getting a chance to see the baby. This has been the hardest reality for me...knowing our closest relatives and loved ones can't just "hop over" and see the baby whenever it's convenient. Instead, much of our family had made arrangements to be around when we "thought" I'd be due, only to have to head home in disappointment since the baby is still not here. I know it's "okay" and I shouldn't feel bad, but I naturally do. I want to share this joyous time with as much family as possible, and each day that she doesn't come, that dream fades more and more.

Back to the point of this blog....contentment. I realized last night that throughout my adolescent and adult life, I have struggled with being content. I've always held the carrot of the future out in front of me to get me through the current situation i was in. I think about what "could be", to escape from the reality of what "is." Even when there is so much good in my life, I somehow manage to always think about how it could be even better. This is sinful and selfish of me, and it really has to be addressed.

My wonderful big sister, Carrie, had a chance to visit me briefly this past week (which was amazing!) and she said something to me that really struck me....As she knows I have struggled with accepting the fact that I live so far away from family, she reminded me that Santa Rosa will be the only "home" Maggie will know, and I will have to do my best to make it MY home too, for her sake. No more fantasizing about life in Portland, and what it would be like to live closer to family.... because now Daniel and I have a family, and we need to make the most of our life here in California. I make very few resolutions for 2009, because I think this is going to be the greatest challenge of the year; a challenge that will take ALL of my focuse, energy, and strength.

By God's grace, I awoke this morning (early even) with no tears, but with a sense of serenity and peace; two things I have not felt in awhile. The sound of rain and the soft breathing of my husband next to me was so comforting. Immediately, I started thinking about all the things I want to do today, and realized I won't be able to do any of them for awhile after baby comes. This realization made me thankful for the day, and not to think of it as "just another day that I have failed to have my baby."

So, for today, I am still pregnant.....and that's okay. I hope to spend the day rediscovering my non-maternity clothes, sewing napkins, watching movies (maybe even GOING to a movie), reading, doing some last-minute shopping, etc. As Napoleon Dynamite says so eloquently, I think today I'll do "WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE DOING......GOSH!!!"

And I'll end with that.... HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU!